I have so many stories from my past that sometimes I don’t even know where to begin. But because this one unfolded during the Christmas season, it feels especially important – and timely – to share. 

This is a story about narcissistic abuse, emotional control, and the long road to healing after domestic abuse.

Living Under Narcissistic Control

My narcissistic ex-husband needed to be in control of everything.
If he couldn’t dominate the very air we breathed, he simply couldn’t cope.

Every decision required permission. Every movement was monitored. Every act of independence came at a cost.

One day, I decided to do something small – but brave. I told him I was going to visit a friend who lived just five minutes down the road. I didn’t ask. I didn’t justify it. I simply stated it.

I knew it would cost me something.
But I also knew I wasn’t doing anything wrong.

I didn’t need permission.
And I certainly didn’t deserve punishment.

The Anxiety of Leaving – and the Terror of Returning

I didn’t stay long at my friend’s house. Anxiety sat heavy in my chest, making it impossible to relax or enjoy the visit. My phone buzzed constantly with abusive messages accusations, insults, and slurs.

You know… just the usual texts you’d expect when popping out to see a friend (insert sarcastic voice)

If the anxiety of leaving wasn’t bad enough, the anxiety of going home was on steroids.

When I returned, my ex-husband was waiting.
He was furious.

For hours, I endured verbal abuse, psychological attacks, and relentless intimidation. I knew from experience that nothing I said would calm him. Reason didn’t exist in his rage.

So I chose the only strategy that had ever worked: out of sight, out of mind.

I went to bed.

Sleep Was My Only Escape — Until It Wasn’t

During that relationship, sleep was my survival mechanism. My nervous system had learned how to shut everything down – a forced power-off when reality became unbearable.

No matter how bad things were, I could usually escape by sleeping.

But not this night.

Just as I drifted off, I was violently woken by a bucket of cold water poured over my head.

I was used to his cruelty. I had learned not to react, because any reaction only fuelled him further. So after the initial shock, I calmly got up, changed my clothes, flipped the mattress, remade the bed, and climbed back in.

Falling asleep again was harder. Adrenaline, fear, and the knowledge that he was still raging made rest feel impossible.

But eventually, exhaustion won.

Not long after, I was woken again – another bucket of cold water thrown over me.

When Emotional Abuse Turns Physical

My calm only made him angrier.

When he couldn’t provoke the reaction he wanted, he grabbed my wrists and threw me around the room.

Looking back now, it feels surreal. He was a skinny white guy. I’m sure I could have defended myself physically. But abuse doesn’t work like that.

I was emotionally depleted. Empty. Broken.

This is how psychological abuse, emotional abuse, and coercive control wear you down – not all at once, but slowly, until survival becomes your only focus.

Healing After Narcissistic Abuse

There is a part two to this story, but it’s too long for this post. What matters most is this:

About a year and a half ago, I began my healing journey.

Since then, memories have started resurfacing as if my body finally knows I’m strong enough to process them now. Some parts are still blank. My older children filled in a few of those gaps on Christmas Day.

And when those memories return, the healed version of me gets to say something powerful to the woman I once was:

You’re safe now.
It wasn’t your fault.
You didn’t cause it.
You never deserved it.

Why Telling Our Stories Matters

I allow myself to tell these stories not to relive the pain, but to process it – and to help others recognise abuse for what it is.

Any form of abuse is not okay:

• Physical

• Emotional

• Psychological

• Spiritual

• Financial

• Verbal

If I’d had a supportive community like 30+ and Fabulous back then, I know – without a doubt – I wouldn’t have stayed. Support changes everything.

If you or someone you love is in an abusive relationship and wants to get free, please reach out. Even anonymously. Let your   30+ sisters rally around you and help you take the next step.

Turning Pain Into Purpose

I hate the things I’ve lived through.
But if I hadn’t lived them, this community would never have existed.

There’s a Bible verse that says:
“He works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.”

I truly believe that none of my pain has been – or ever will be – wasted. This community is part of how it’s being redeemed.

My heart for you never goes cold. I am always thinking of you, always praying for you.

I may have scars for memories, but I also have hope for a better future.

And so do you.

Love ya.
Mean it.

Talya x