but getting here was hell… - Thirty Plus & Fabulous

I’m walking along the beach. Normally the beach is my happy place and I’m gazing out at the magnificence of the ocean – but not today. Today I can’t see anything because my head is down and my eyes are blurred with tears. The aching in my throat is threatening to expose me as an unstable pregnant Mum.

But I’m not unstable – I’m broken.

I have one baby asleep in a pushchair and the other is cooking in my belly. Suddenly my legs buckle beneath me and I fall to my knees on the sand, the tears pour uncontrollably down my face, I look up to the sky and in between my hyperventilating sobs, I cry “WHY?”

You can call out to anything you like – the universe, energy, the life source… but I call out to God. And I called out…

“WHY? Why God? What did I EVER do that was SO EVIL that I would be going through this torture?”

My (now ex) husband was (and still is) a narcissist. They are emotionally and spiritually empty beings – with relentless energy to torture you with.

And he had left, AGAIN.

In the entirely of our marriage, of almost 7 years he had lived with me for a non-consecutive 2 years and 2 months.

Every time he didn’t get his way he would leave. Every time he had an ‘urge’, he would leave. (In fact, he left MORE times than I could count). But other times I would instruct him to leave – when he had crossed the boundaries in how severely he punished my kids, or when he had physically abused me.

EVERY time he left, he would leave us with no income, so we would be scrounging for food money and my rent went unpaid for WEEKS, until I could catch it up again! I used a credit card (which I always secretly kept once I understood the pattern of his behaviour) to pay my power and my phone bills, until I could get a big enough makeup job to pay some of it back, or restock the pantry.

But, not understanding narcissism, I would always try again. Because, I stupidly thought that if I could be as GOOD of a wife as possible that he would one day realise my worth and be a ‘normal’ husband (So sad to think I had to prove myself to someone who could only be happy if he had total control)

The last time though, I swore I wouldn’t have him back, after I found my PREGNANT self running after him through the house and pushing him with ALL my might up against our lounge room wall, to stop his fist connecting with my 12 year old daughters face. (A case that is still on file with O.T)

Take your anger out on me – but don’t EVER touch my children

Eva-Sophia – 3 hours old

It’s been almost a decade now since that nightmare ended, and I’ve done years and YEARS of healing since.

So now my passion is to see other women recover and heal from their abuse faster than I did, mine.

Or, better yet… never go through abuse at ALL.

And I pray that this website eventually becomes a place where you can find as MANY resources as you need to get you through this life, as trauma-free as possible.

Love you!

– Mean it.

Natalya x

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